Mature Jokes : Singh junior

The teacher asked,"Singh Jr. what is your problem?" Singh Jr. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Neelam had enough. She took Singh Jr. to the principal's office. While Singh Jr. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Singh Jr. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Singh Jr.: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Singh Jr.: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Singh Jr. can go to the third-grade." If you don't feel embarrassed please read further... Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Singh Jr. both agree. Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Singh Jr., after a moment "Legs." Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Singh Jr.: "Pockets." Ms Neelam: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Singh Jr.: "Pants" Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Singh Jr.: Coconut Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Singh Jr. was taking charge. Singh Jr.: Bubblegum Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Singh Jr.: Shake hands Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Singh Jr.: Yep. Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Singh Jr.: Tent Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Singh Jr.: Wedding Ring Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Singh Jr.: Nose Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Singh Jr.: Arrow Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Singh Jr.: Firetruck Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use urhand. Singh Jr.: Fork Ms Neelam: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? Singh Jr.: TALK Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Singh Jr.: SURNAME Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Singh Jr.: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Singh Jr. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

B: क्या करती हो?
G: मै दुल्हन तैयार करती हुँ, पार्लर है अपना! तुम?
 B: दुल्हा तैयार करता हुँ
G: पार्लर है आपका?
 B: नही, गुप्तरोग का हकीम हुँ

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner"

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Hole Joke

There was this arrogant jerk of a doctor who had four nurses working under him.
Later that night, during their break, they were all discussing the fast one each had pulled on the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear."

The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometer and painted all to read 106 degrees."

The third nurse said, "Well, I did better than two of you.
I poked holes in all the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer."

Hearing this, the fourth nurse fainted.

Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

"You're a tight one."

There was a young sailor from Brighton Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, "Don my soul, You're in the wrong hole There's plenty of room in the right one."

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: “What are you doing here today?” Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.” Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.” The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?” Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

puppies?”.....

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies?”.....

How fast can you guess these words

The Penis

Penises come in all shapes and sizes. There are long ones There are short ones There are thick ones There are thin ones They come in many colours too Some are circumstised Some are not Many women find the penis funny looking and unattractive to look at, many too dont want to look at it and turn their heads when they see one! What do you think of Mr Penis? Is he an attractive piece of equipment....Or not?

Sleeping with Baby

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said.

Three women

Three women walk in a pet shop. Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue." The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing yellow underwear." The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink." The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue." To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!" The three women are amazed. The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly, straight and long!" They never went there again!!

It is all in the Size

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

सुहागरात को Wife Husband से बोली :- करो ? Husband - मुझे कुछ नहीं आता ? Wife - कोई बात नहीं, जैसे मैं करू वैसे ही करते जाओ ! Wife ने कपड़े उतारे, Husband ने भी कपड़े उतारे ! फिर Wife ने लेटकर टाँगे उठा ली तो Husband ने भी लेटकर टाँगे उठा ली, और बोला अब ? Wife : अब ऐसा कर भोसड़ी के ! बाहर से 3 आदमी बुला ला I एक मेरी मारेगा एक तेरी ! Husband: और तीसरा ? Wife - तीसरा फ्री का WhatsApp Msg. पढ़ने वाले की मारेगा, जो बहुत मुस्कुरा रहा है ! देख क्या रहा है ?

MARRIED FOR A NIGHT

MARRIED FOR A NIGHT

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

~7 kinds of sex:~

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are still so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand each other any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask

The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask

1."What are you thinking?"
2."Do you love me?"
3."Do I look fat?"
4."Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5."What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c. That depends on what you mean by "love".
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer:
"Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

LIFE B.C. (BEFORE COMPUTERS)

A little girl was watching her mother prepare a fish for dinner. Her mother cut the head and tail off the fish and then placed it into a baking pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut the head and tail off the fish. Her mother thought for a while and then said, “I’ve always done it that way – that’s how Grandma did it.” Not satisfied with the answer, the little girl went to visit her Grandma to find out why she cut the head and tail off the fish before baking it. Grandma thought for a while and replied, “I don’t know. My mother always did it that way.” So the little girl and the Grandma went to visit Great Grandma to find ask if she knew the answer. Her Great Grandma thought for a while and said, Because, in my day, we had only a small kitchen, and my baking pan was too small to fit in the whole fish.

10 THINGS girls like about guys.

Ten Things Guys Like About Girls The way they smile. How they always smell so good. How they laugh. The way they take so long to get ready. The way they dress. How they put their make up on. The way they say,"I love you." How their little hands fit perfectly in the guys hands. How guys can put their arms all the way around her waist. Their sweet personality. Ten Things Girls Like About Guys The way they try to act so tough. How they write girls letters. The way they smell. How they feel so safe in their arms. When they aren't afraid to admit things. The way they say,"I love you.' The way they go shoping with you. When they call you to make you feel better. When they bring you something when your feeling down. How they always seem to want to love you.

A man proposes to his girlfriend. She has one condition.

A man proposes to his girlfriend of one year. She says yes, but has one condition. "I will marry you but I want to get married in Minnesota," the woman says. "There, you can meet my family and we can have a beautiful ceremony. Only then can we consummate the marriage." The woman, who is a virgin, says she has no experience with sex and wants her first time to be a memorable one. The man, because she is young and beautiful, obliges, and suggests they leave for Minnesota as soon as possible. The next day, they got on a bus from New York. The only other passengers were members of a high school hockey team. After 100 miles on the road, the bus breaks down and everyone has to get off the bus while it is repaired. While the man and woman wait, the man suggests the two go off into the woods and have a little fun since the bus won't leave for another hour. She is flattered, but says: "I think we should wait," and so they get back on the bus. After another hundred miles, the bus breaks down again. Everyone gets off the bus and waits for it to be repaired. Again, the man asks his girlfriend to sneak off while they wait. "How about now?" he asks. "This journey is taking forever and I cannot wait any longer!" Flattered, she insists they wait until they arrive in Minnesota. Everyone soon gets back on the bus. For a third time, the bus breaks down. The man figures it is not worth bothering his girlfriend a third time. "She might become annoyed and not want to marry me," he thinks. Suddenly, she takes his hand, brings him into the woods and she experiences her first time. As they are walking back to the bus, the man cannot help but say: "That was wonderful. You are a skillful lover! But what made you change your mind about having your first time after the wedding?" The women looks at him and says: "Well, the hockey team said 'By the time we get to Minnesota, the fucking season would be over.'"

: Difference between criminals and in-laws.

Q. What is the difference between criminals and in-laws? A. Criminals are wanted!

The teacher had given the class an assignment.

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, andthat no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

: Bad Weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,”The weather out there is terrible.” To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out there fishing?”

Sniffer dog inside plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. “His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.” The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.” Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.” “Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.” The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?” The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”