When you realise 29th is here
Sunday, 29 July 2018
Friday, 27 November 2015
Mature Jokes : Singh junior
The teacher asked,"Singh Jr. what is your problem?"
Singh Jr. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in
the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Singh Jr. to the principal's office.
While Singh Jr. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave.
She agreed.
Singh Jr. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Singh Jr.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Singh Jr.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Singh
Jr. can go to the third-grade."
If you don't feel embarrassed please read further...
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Singh Jr. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Singh Jr., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Singh Jr.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Singh Jr.: "Pants"
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Singh Jr.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And
sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Singh Jr. was taking charge.
Singh Jr.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Singh Jr.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Singh Jr.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.
Singh Jr.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was
looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Singh Jr.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.
Singh Jr.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.
Singh Jr.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot
of heat and excitement?
Singh Jr.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get
it u have to use urhand.
Singh Jr.: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the
same as intercourse?
Singh Jr.: TALK
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Singh Jr.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Singh Jr.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send Singh Jr. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"
Saturday, 14 November 2015
Friday, 13 November 2015
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Hole Joke
There was this arrogant jerk of a doctor who had four nurses working under him.
Later that night, during their break, they were all discussing the fast one each had pulled on the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear."
The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometer and painted all to read 106 degrees."
The third nurse said, "Well, I did better than two of you.
I poked holes in all the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer."
Hearing this, the fourth nurse fainted.
Later that night, during their break, they were all discussing the fast one each had pulled on the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear."
The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometer and painted all to read 106 degrees."
The third nurse said, "Well, I did better than two of you.
I poked holes in all the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer."
Hearing this, the fourth nurse fainted.
Thursday, 12 November 2015
Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
"You're a tight one."
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Don my soul,
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one."
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”
puppies?”.....
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?”.....
The Penis
Penises come in all shapes and sizes.
There are long ones
There are short ones
There are thick ones
There are thin ones
They come in many colours too
Some are circumstised
Some are not
Many women find the penis funny looking and unattractive to look at, many too dont want to look at it and turn their heads when they see one!
What do you think of Mr Penis? Is he an attractive piece of equipment....Or not?
Sleeping with Baby
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.
"Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
Three women
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing yellow underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly, straight and long!"
They never went there again!!
It is all in the Size
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.
Saturday, 31 October 2015
सुहागरात को Wife Husband से बोली :- करो ?
Husband - मुझे कुछ नहीं आता ?
Wife - कोई बात नहीं,
जैसे मैं करू वैसे ही करते जाओ !
Wife ने कपड़े उतारे,
Husband ने भी कपड़े उतारे !
फिर Wife ने लेटकर टाँगे उठा ली तो Husband ने भी लेटकर टाँगे उठा ली,
और बोला अब ?
Wife : अब ऐसा कर भोसड़ी के !
बाहर से 3 आदमी बुला ला I
एक मेरी मारेगा एक तेरी !
Husband: और तीसरा ?
Wife - तीसरा फ्री का WhatsApp Msg. पढ़ने वाले की मारेगा,
जो बहुत मुस्कुरा रहा है !
देख क्या रहा है ?
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
MARRIED FOR A NIGHT
MARRIED FOR A NIGHT
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
~7 kinds of sex:~
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are still so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand each other any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are still so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand each other any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.
20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask
The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask
1."What are you thinking?"
2."Do you love me?"
3."Do I look fat?"
4."Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5."What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c. That depends on what you mean by "love".
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer:
"Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
1."What are you thinking?"
2."Do you love me?"
3."Do I look fat?"
4."Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5."What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c. That depends on what you mean by "love".
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer:
"Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
LIFE B.C. (BEFORE COMPUTERS)
A little girl was watching her mother prepare a fish for dinner. Her mother cut the head and tail off the fish and then placed it into a baking pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut the head and tail off the fish. Her mother thought for a while and then said, “I’ve always done it that way – that’s how Grandma did it.”
Not satisfied with the answer, the little girl went to visit her Grandma to find out why she cut the head and tail off the fish before baking it.
Grandma thought for a while and replied, “I don’t know. My mother always did it that way.”
So the little girl and the Grandma went to visit Great Grandma to find ask if she knew the answer.
Her Great Grandma thought for a while and said, Because, in my day, we had only a small kitchen, and my baking pan was too small to fit in the whole fish.
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